Small Vessels of Perfect Evil
Confession: I despise spiders. Occasionally, when I am about to strike one dead with my shoe, some bleeding-heart bystander will intercede and say: "Dan, spiders are good. They kill mosquitos." Bogus! That's like saying: "Serial killers are good. They kill prostitutes." Let's be clear: Spiders are NOT good.
I am not the only theologian to shrink back from the arachs. C.S. Lewis echoes my own sentiment when he proclaims, "I would rather meet a ghost than a tarantula." For Lewis it is mostly the pseudo-living nature of the creature that curdles him. "Their angular limbs, their jerky movements, their dry, metallic noises, all suggest either machines that have come to life or life degenerating into mechanism."
Lewis' contribution to the discussion is valuable, but I have deeper suspicions fueling my horror. To me it is not just the spider in its tangible form that is so deeply haunting. Rather, it is the implications of the spider's form. Think about it: Spiders are too damn small to do all they do. They know you are approaching them and they speed up (and, dang, they're fast). Seal the doors, seal the windows, they still find ways to get in to your homes. You can't keep them out (you might as well try ridding the world of advertisements as trying to rid your home of spiders). They whip together geometrically perfect traps and know to place them in the areas of highest bug traffic. Then they find the perfect crevices to hide in. All this with a brain no bigger than this period: "."
There is no way. It doesn't make sense. Something else must think for them! They must be controlled by evil spirits!
Why "evil" spirits? Because spiders are so despicable and rude. You could be in the family room dipping your chip in a hummus bowl while having a private conversation with a lover when: thp-thp-thp-thp, one crawls up the wall from behind the couch (having listened to every word of your intimate discussion). And those webs: beautiful and brilliant for sure, yet cruel, merciless and lacking all compassion. They trap anything and everything that has even the smallest morsel of sustenance, then SLOWLY suck the life out of it. Intrusive, merciless, plotting & scheming, devouring, thinking, thinking, thinking while being SO small.
Small, hairy-legged vessels of perfect evil. They are dark teleology: morbid evidence of an unholy spiritual reality. They creep across my scenes. They dwell in all my spaces. I gasp and flinch. I flex my stance. There are small evils all around us and we can not defeat them all.
- CATEGORY: funny things to distract you from encroaching death